Can't sleep - lots on my mind

It's 2:25am on Friday night/Saturday morning and I just can't sleep. Got a lot on my mind and thought maybe updating my blog would allow me to vent a bit of steam.

Still can't really play poker cos of this neck pain, I played last night when I got home drunk from the pub but had a losing night, didn't play badly just ran horribly and then tilted a bit with some pretty loose calls but I know not to do it again.

As most of you who read this will know, I lost my mum to cancer about 5 months ago. It's not been an easy time and I pretty much had 3 months off poker because of it as just couldn't focus. I've been ok of late but with the run up to christmas I've had a lot of down days recently, I think it's things like buying presents but knowing I won't be getting her one and knowing how hard christmas day is going to be for my sister and my step-dad.

I edited a big section out here as on reflection it's probably not appropriate to post in a public forum.

I've been pretty worried about this neck injury too, it's stopping me wanting to play and I really need to be hammering it or I'm not gonna get this bonus and I'm not winning at the moment, it's like being off work sick but on no pay. It's bloody boring having nothing to do in the daytime as well.

The recent strikes has been a cause of concern for me. I've been quite open that I'm against the striking and I can say this with a girlfriend who's a health care professional. I don't wanna get into a debate on this on my blog as everyone is entitled to their views, however I did manage to upset a few friends on facebook by vaguely defending Jeremy Clarkson. That was never my intention as I hate upsetting people (unless they've outdrawn me) so I think it's clear I should stay away from such sensitive topics in open forums.

I went out last night with some friends and we had a few drinks, I made the mistake recently of telling two of them how much I made in November at poker. I know they're only joking with their comments but telling bar staff I'm a millionaire (which clearly isn't true) is embarrassing and I dunno how to react to it. I do hope to one day be a millionaire from poker and property but I'm a long way from that right now.

We did get on to an interesting debate which started when I mentioned the $10m game on pokerstars in 2 weeks. Basically this is a poker game costing $215 to enter and the winner is guaranteed at least $2m. We then started talking about what you'd give to your friends if you won such a large amount.

I said that if I were to win that tournament I wouldn't give any friends anything I'd just organise a big party, the problem being that you can't give everyone the same amount as people you've known 20 years aren't gonna be happy with getting the same as people you've only known for a few months and also you have to draw the line somewhere as to who gets money and who doesn't. They seemed to think I should just do something like give £500 to all my friends but I don't think there is any way to give money to people and not upsetting someone in some way.

If I'd won £90m on the euro millions that would be different obviously but nowadays $2m wouldn't even be enough to retire on, I'd be interested in what people have to say about this.

Other things are playing on my mind but to be honest this is nothing new for me, I've always had problems sleeping but when things have upset me it's even harder to get off to sleep, I should probably take some kalms or something, earlier in the year when I wasn't sleeping at all I was prescribed zophiclone but that's just a killer, would send me to sleep and then the next day my brain was just scrambled!

I'm looking forward to the football tomorrow and the NFL on Sunday, if anyone likes a bet then stick something on Newcastle. fantastic value.

Hopefully this will help me get to sleep now, if you hate me please don't put anything derogotory about me on this entry as I'm feeling quite emotional right now and am liable to bite back. If you love me then please show it!

Ok, it's taken me 20 minutes to write this and I'll probably delete it in the morning but we'll see what people think about it. Maybe some things are better left unsaid, I dunno. I'm such a tormented soul, should probably start self harming! (that's a joke and I apologise to anyone I've offended with it)

Oh, I'm not sending christmas cards this year, cos well, I never do but I will send you all a facebook message.

Oh, Railway is doing an 80's night on 17th December, should be fun, we should all go!